History according to Newt Gingrich

This is from a while back, it wasn't original with me but I can't find where I got it from.

0 AD: Birth of Jesus. A pretty good guy, but no Newt Gingrich.

476 AD: Rome falls. Newt Gingrich could have averted this.

1215: The English wisely take Newt Gingrich’s suggestion to write the Magna Carta.

1492: Newt suggests, winking, that Columbus sail the wrong way to India, “where I think you’ll find something very interesting.”

1533: Henry VIII decides to take multiple of wives, on the advice of Newt Gingrich.

1602: Gingrich writes “Hamlet.” & "Newt The Second (Coming)".

1776: Inspired by “A Nation Like No Other” by Newt Gingrich, available now in hardcover on Amazon.com (- only $11.25!), the Founding Fathers write the Declaration of Independence.

1789: Newt’s suggestion that Marie Antoinette offer people cake does not go over with the French people as planned. Newt is bewildered (”“I’m always delighted to be offered cake.”)

1858: Newt Gingrich suggests a new idea for debate formats to Lincoln and Douglas.

1864: Grant reads a book by Newt Gingrich, goes East, and defeats Lee. April 14,

1865: Abraham Lincoln ignores Newt’s advice to “stay home from the theater tonight, Abe, and read one of my books for self-improvement.”

1876: General Custer also ignores Newt’s advice.

1876: Alexander Graham Bell invents a great device that, later, will enable you to receive a robocall complaining about something Mitt Romney did.

1903: Wilbur and Orville Wright put one of Newt’s best ideas into practice, although they have to remove Newt's ego from the plane to achieve liftoff.

1944: Eisenhower takes Newt’s suggestion to land troops at Normandy. Newt cannot accompany them as he is too busy defeating Hitler more directly.

1969: Neil Armstrong slowly begins putting Newt’s plans for a moon colony into practice.

1989: Newt knocks down the Berlin Wall with one hand tied behind his back.

1990: Newt tells Al Gore & the DOD how to invent the Internet.

1995: The Best Speaker of the House of All Time takes office.

2013: President Newt Gingrich issues in a new era of peace, prosperity and "liberal" moon colonies.

2045: Newt Gingrich is canonized, in what he describes as a “uniquely humbling experience for a great man of intellect and letters who has done what no other man in human history could have done because of his rare gifts.”

2060: Newt Gingrich defeats the Antichrist in a series of eight-hour marathon debates, issues in a new millennium of prosperity and revives entire economy on the strength of sales of his 19,568,020,836th book.

2100: Newt Gingrich ascends to heaven. Jesus respectfully gets up so that Newt can be seated.